Art Math: It’s All Alimentary My Dear Watson

While artists are praised by society for their creativity and intellectual abilities ironically they are often looked down upon on as having their heads too much in the clouds and for having poor science and math skills. Whether this is true or not brushing up on our math skills could only help. Which brings us to my next segment: Art Math.

1st equation:

2 years spent creating works of art plus art school education times internship at local gallery equals ramen noodles.

2^nd Problem:

Signing on to teach an elementary art workshop only to learn upon arrival that you misheard, and that it is actually for elementary school age children, Times all of the art that you have set up as visual aides are of realistic nudes, Plus the person that you hired to figure model for the class, nude of course, is standing in her robe and glaring at you like you are some sort of pervert Equals uncomfortable.

Next, let’s throw a theorem in just for kicks:

Some people find Einstein’s theories complex, but the relationship between relativity and light is actually an easy concept – it was demonstrated to me by a friend of mine. It goes like this: Once money from your relatives, who have grown tired of supporting their ‘talented’ but job phobic man-boy is cut off, almost immediately after the lights to your apartment are equally cut off.

Interestingly enough very often the locks to your apartment change around this time as well, and the significant other who said they shared your artistic vision, and who you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with somehow disappears also. Einstein was a smart man; I never realized that he knew so much about art.

Next equation:

When art critics gather to discuss art the number of ideas about artistic expression is directly proportionate to the number of alimentary canal openings present. In other words, for every opinion about art there is always an A-hole to go along with it.

Now let’s do some Ratios:

If you were to put ten artists in a room and ask them if they cared if their artwork ever made money it would break down like this:

One wouldn’t care

Two wouldn’t have heard the question, being too busy getting free coffee and doughnuts from the snack table.

Three would say that art should be treated like any other business, and then would receive nasty looks from the other artists in the room.

Three would say art is not about money; it’s about expression – all the while back home drooling, like a teenage boy with a Playboy, over the newest issue of ArtNews reading reports of the high prices that some contemporary artists are banking.

And One person would just roll their eyes, and not bother to answer at all.

This math stuff isn’t so bad, but that’s enough for now – we wouldn’t want to over tax ourselves.